김려욱행복한!
Okay I don't know how to write a Korean sentence longer than my title. =P

3 more weeks till A's end! 피곤한...
행운을 빕니다!

Goodbye, 13.

Later entries, Friends only.
Locked--


Last paper later, Physics Paper 3. I'm prepared for a killer paper, but I hope that I still can get the B or C that I wanted. I know an A is out of reach, so I should stop dreaming about it. According to Physics "god", you don't have to finish all 4 essay questions in order to do really well, since there's most probably going to be not enough time.

Anyhow, been finding little delights in tough times. Recently, some of my OG people have been messaging/msn-ing, asking how was BT, asking how I was and all, and I really think that's something worth being thankful for. Most of them will be taking Chinese A's Orals within this week or the next, and if any of you do see this, all the best okay! I'm sure you eloquent people will do well.

Another thing that was pleasant during this examination period was probably our study sessions (Benedict, Matthew, Ming Qi) at Cathay. Though we did get distracted once in a while, they were generally productive. Such gatherings made me understand them better, and of course it served as a good bonding time. Who knew guys could also be into collecting such adorable things!


While good things seem to have its end, bad things somehow come one after another. My grandma's still in hospital and I haven't been visitng her because I wanted to study for the next day's paper. I sometimes feel that its just my excuse. That 1 or 2 hours wouldn't have gotten me an A or B anyway. I hope she gets out soon, and that she'll be better than she was before. We never learn to cherish them until we lose them, but, I've been close to losing before, yet the sudden rush of cherish feeling after you gain it back seems to fade away again. Am I making sense? Maybe not.

BTs were, upsetting, really. Physics was the only good paper, but there's still paper 3. I think physics is a really great subject, whether or not I do well for it.

I'm so tired of studying and on a side note, Matthew, Ming Qi and Benedict bought the Little Ms and Mr capsule because of my influence! I never knew guys would, well, do such a thing, hahaha! Poor Mr Nosy, being ostracised, though. It's so apt that Ming Qi got Mr Small, Benedict got Ms Chatterbox, Matthew got Ms Shy. I want that red one, which I've yet to get. It's a limited edition one, so I think its going to be rather tough.

A few more papers to go! Studying sessions have been rather productive and I'm glad for friends who are ever so helpful.

I want my red yakpak bag.

Block Tests so far haven't been kind, at all. Econs was not exactly that difficult, it was more of lack of time to plan and write essays coherently. Mathematics was a disaster. I'm very sure I can't get 25 marks and above, which is not even close to an S. Tomorrow's Physics, my last hope for the whole block tests. I spent 80% of my holidays on Physics, I've got to at least get a C for it, am praying really really hard! 

Anyhow, I really really really want to have an overseas education. I want to study in Taiwan or Hong Kong, but my father says that if I really have to go overseas, it's only Australia, and, I must do business. To think I thought I could do engineering, oh wells.

I'm trying to convince my father that National Taiwan University is good. 2nd in Asia!
http://www.webometrics.info/top100_continent.asp?cont=asia
Okay I think my plan will work if I show him those rankings. =D Look at 5, it's University of Hong Kong!!!!! =D
Okay I should go study for my Physics.

Found a note which I did quite sometime ago on facebook. Decided to try it one more time. New results are in red! 
LETS PLAY:D

1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.


START!
IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY?" YOU SAY?
Dust in the Wind ( I didn't even know I had this song)
永不消失的彩虹 （卓文萱）

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
超喜歡你（飛輪海）
我不會唱歌（周定緯）Perhaps!

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
小酒窩（林俊傑/Charlene Choi）HAHAHA, not true leh.
七里香（周傑倫） =D

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
珊瑚海（周傑倫）
Down （林俊傑）How sad.

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
What about now (Daughtry)
Don't cry Joni (Conway Twitty)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Sorry, Blame It on Me (I really think so too:( )
紀念（六甲）Is that supposed to be good?

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
蓋世英雄（王力宏）HAHA SO FUNNY
When You're Gone (Avril Lavigne) Sad?

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Say you love me (7flowers)
雪與淚 （Tank） =(

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN?
開不了口（周傑倫）(Too much left unsaid)
Breakdown (Daughtry) I wouldn't.

WHAT IS 2 + 2?
Jolly Holiday
American Loyalty (Click Five)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
任我遨遊
One more try (A1)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
聼海（阿妹）
Leavin' (Jesse Mcartney) Looks like I really do have a reason to not believe in love!

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
彩虹的微笑（王心陵）
愛微笑的眼睛（林俊傑版）

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Better Together (Jack Johnson)
最佳聽衆（飛輪海）Wow, at least it's a happy song, full of promises!

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
一半愛(Korean Random Song) (How sad, how sad)
比你賤（SHE） So that's what I like to do?

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Pop Princess (Click 5)
海盜（Jolin Cai）HAHA

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
珊瑚海（周傑倫）AGAIN.
不能說的秘密（周傑倫）WOW.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIEND
最重要的小事（五月天）(Of course they are important!)
Promise (Korean Artiste)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Only You

Didn't do the last one, felt that I should just leave it as that. Seems like a very sad situation to be in. My biggest secret? A secret that cannot be told. What do I think about often? Breakdown. Even my previous results are sad. Look at what do you think about the person you like. Both are sad answer.

Just when you thought I'm upset, I'm actually smiling doing this. I'm a sadist, well, pretty much. I think happy endings are just hallucinations meant to bring people hope in this harsh world. I guess there are true happy endings, but they come at a large cost, or that only a rare breed (read: minority out of the minority) get to enjoy it, usually at the expense of someone else. Of course, who doesn't want to be happy? Even the skeptical me hopes to be happy. Ironic, yes, but the reality of life? For such great things to happen to you, let's face it, chances are slim. Yes, once in a while, a few good news awaits us, but in less than a jiffy, a more devastating bad news comes along, staying in our minds and hearts for a much longer time that we even forgot how happiness felt like.

I try to keep a record of happy things that happened, deep down in my heart. I don't really like writing down the happy things, because I find that once I write about it, I seem to have a worse recollection of it (well, most of the happy times, funny how it doesn't really occur to the bad times). 

Today I had the longest MSN conversation ever with Melissa, and it felt like we've gone back 2 years, to the times we were encouraging each other on for O levels. Its been a long time since I last talked to her, and I thought our gap would just get bigger, not even status quo, let alone become smaller. I believe in our friendship, I really do, but somehow things weren't going as smoothly. I'm glad today was a great day for catching up, or even just crapping about. I hope this friendship will go on, for eternity, I really do.
I'm going to treasure everyone around me, I promise I'll try very very hard.

R told me that I haven't been blogging regularly.
C told me that I haven't been blogging regularly.

Well, most of the entries are locked, anyway!

Day comes, night falls. Everything has its order, but why can't I seem to get down to study?

Farewell for Mr Leong was a rather pleasant one, and he even allowed us to call him by his name, even his chinese name. He's one hard nut to crack, but a real nice teacher.

Anyhow, been going out a lot, watching movies online or at the cinema, watching videos on youtube, well, basically everything except studying. I want to do well, by just doing the things I like. What nonsense and wishful thinking, isn't it? And today I was researching on poly courses. I think, if I did something I really liked, I'd probably have lesser inertia. Then again, I might get sick and tired of it.

So, no regrets, but I know if I were to continue my current routine, I'd definitely regret, for life.

Sometimes, I wonder, why bother to try. Many times, we can't control the various things that we hope we could have. And I hate myself for being so easily swayed, for being easily affected by what others say, for being such a useless person at most times. Don't get me wrong, I don't exactly hate myself, it's just that I don't have that love and respect for myself that I wish I could have achieved. I used to think that I love myself sufficiently, but somehow, I realised that it's not true. I like the feeling of getting hurt (physically), I like the feeling of wasting my life away knowing that A levels is in about 120-140 days away, I like the feeling of having an obsession though I know its highly wrong and sinful. Bottom line is, I allow myself to become something that I don't exactly like.

Someone told me something like this: 
Many of our problems that we see in our lives are just a mere reflection of how much we love ourselves, and how much we're willing to love ourselves. All our helplessness seek to steal the love that we can give ourselves.

I couldn't quite get it at that point of time. Why do our problems have so much to do with loving ourselves? I think, I can almost fully grasp the idea now.
I'm tired. Really tired.

[edit on 11 June 09]
Then again, I'm not some emotionally unstable kid. I think life is full of potential and the vibrancy of it makes it all worthwhile, well, sometimes. I hope this year would be good.

Watching the MV for Tank's If I became your Memory made me shed tears. Ha, who'd have thought that such a heartless person like me cry at such things. Oh well, but such occurrences have been happening frequently now a days. Songs these days are just so emotional and thought provoking.
累了 照慣例努力清醒著
也照慣例想你了
好怕一放心睡了
心跳在夢中 不聽話的 就停止了

聽著 呼吸像浪潮擺動著
越美麗越讓我忐忑
我還能珍惜什麼
如果我連自己的脈搏 都難掌握

如果我變成回憶 退出了這場生命
留下你錯愕哭泣
我冰冷身體 擁抱不了你
想到我讓深愛的你人海孤獨旅行
我會恨自己 如此狠心

如果我變成回憶 終於沒那麼幸運
沒機會白著頭發
蹣跚牽著你 檻門上摟緊
漫長時光總有一天你會傷心痊愈
若有人可以 讓他陪你 我不怪你

快樂 什麼時候會結束呢
哪一刻是最后一刻
想把你緊緊抱著
可知你是我生命中的 最舍不得

如果我變成回憶 退出了這場生命
留下你錯愕哭泣
我冰冷身體 擁抱不了你
想到我讓深愛的你人海孤獨旅行
我會恨自己 如此狠心

如果我變成回憶 終於沒那麼幸運
沒機會白著頭發
蹣跚牽著你 檻門上摟緊
漫長時光總有一天你會傷心痊愈
若有人可以 讓他陪你

如果我變成回憶 最怕我太不通氣
頑固的賴在空氣 霸佔你心裡 每一寸空隙
要讓依然愛我的你痛苦承受失去
這樣不公平 請你盡力 把我忘記

[edit] Lyrics edited!
Oh well, I can't wait for his album to release in Singapore! It's already on Taiwan's chart! 
Many things I want to/ need to blog about, but somehow, the words are not coming out.

Have I mentioned that the world's best GP teacher has resigned from teaching?
He's really the most inspirational teacher I've ever known. Through his insults, almost-hurtful-jokes, weird inputs, cranky ideas etc, I realised the class have learned to have a heart, to be alive, to be motivated. And no, I was not being sarcastic.
I've never met a person more knowledgeable than Mr Leong, ever. Other than Mathematics, there's almost nothing he doesn't know. He even knows the big bang, superstring theory, weird cultural practices, politics, everything! I think, no one can ever fully describe him in words.
He's a teacher who claims he doesn't like us, who claims he doesn't want to get to know us, who claims that we're monkeys. I'm quite sure he still secretly likes us. =D It's really upsetting that he's leaving. He's become part of this class, part of this diverse family. Other than Mr Tan, he was the next closest teacher to us. His resignation was simply a bomb shell and at that moment, I guess everyone was heart brokened, though no one dared to show the extent. Whatever it is, he'll always be remembered, I'm sure.
One Legend, Mr Leong.

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

Epilogue-- The last chapter


Too many emotions, but I really can't seem to find the right words to pen them, and do my emotions justice.
Late nights.
Tight datelines.
Multiple practices.
Doing things like cheering which sometimes we're taken for granted.
Getting last minute projects.
Meeting the high expectations the teachers have set for us.

Of course there are many more things, but I think my mind is in a whirl now.
I'm sad, but largely glad, really. That doesn't mean I don't love or feel for the council, but seriously, it's time to give other aspects of our lives a bit more time, a bit more effort.
I'm thankful for being part of the 31st Student Council.
One council, one love.

I hate how women are being treated in most nations. I'm glad that in Singapore, females aren't treated that inhumanely.
In the middle east, young girls have to undergo circumcision (FGM) as well, which is often done with simple kitchen tools, unsterilized, under no anesthesia. Her cries are ignored, as she screams for help. Can you imagine the pain? If you're not afraid of gory images or horrid texts describing the process, do read it up, and then you'll realise how it is a blessing to be here instead. Well, there's no right or wrong, after all, it's their custom and/or religion, but at least not cause any risk to her life?

Oh, and if the girl gets raped, it's her fault, because she tempted the guy.
She's not allowed to leave the house without a guy accompanying her.
She needs to cover herself (hijab) in the presence of any man she's not related to.
She can't been seen talking to any other males in the street.
She can consummate her marriage at the age of 9.
There are more, it's thought provoking, really.

I am not a faithful reader of the bible, neither am I able to understand most of the things written, but I know that God loves us so much that He wouldn't want us to hurt ourselves. Even though I have many questions, I'm going to learn to lean on not my own understanding, but on His.

And so, the whole of today, I was reading on how women are being treated in the Middle East and Africa. I don't know, but it's really quite painful to read through everything, can you imagine the photos? Elizabeth was telling me earlier that the women accept their lives this way. Well, I can't help but frown at that. Oh well, at least things are improving slightly, no?

I've got to start on my econs homework. Sigh, things are getting stressful.
Stepping down: 4 days. I'm beginning to ache, I wonder why.

5 days, and it's all over.
Yuqi's party today was quite fun, with all the crazy things (especially what stupid things the guys were doing cause they were obviously drunk) and the food, drinks, area, not to mention, the company.
This could very well be our last gathering, who knows?

Anyhow, I feel so guilty for always wasting my time away. I hate knowing that I've got 1001 doubts yet I don't motivate myself to read up or study more. I don't want to procrastinate anymore.

Help.

Oh, and quantum physics is really interesting. I'm beginning to like physics more, though my results are proving otherwise. Photons and light spectra etc are really amusing, go google them and you should find some interesting things. Just makes me more sure that our God is a meticulous creator, who does things in the most perfect way. I am convinced that there is much more to life, if only we could see it through God's eyes.

Press on!

Red bull nights are back once again!
So I studied for the Math Lecture test, sacrificing my sleep. Slept at 3.30am and woke up an hour later to mug, which I procrastinated and well, didn't do much except for read some notes which does not work for math. Drank 3 and a half cans of red bull after taking a nap from rugby match, then mugged.

I thought I would be able to do at least the question on definite integrals, but things turned out otherwise. It wasn't a difficult paper, which made it even more infuriating. It's time to wake up, really. I've been telling myself that for the longest time ever. I need a helping hand.

Went down for Netball match today, and lost my voice at cheering. Funny how I sounded in school. I remember asking Wei Li whether we had to change to school uniform, and then many of them were laughing. Heh, okay, I have a sexy voice, for now! Anyway, filming and recording for stepping down was nostalgic. I remember how I used to anticipate stepping down when we were commended. All the late nights, physically and mentally torturing moments, everything tiring, just seem to be so small now, compared to everything else gained.
Still, it's a relief to step down.
(I really had a hard time thinking of what to say for recording earlier on!)

Crap, I've been neglecting my live journal for a really long time.
This week's really crazy. Tests, cheering, feedback week, stepping down meetings, everything is just so packed. I guess, it really is a relief to be stepping down next week! 
Cheering today was good in the beginning. Something happened later on that left me so pissed. Tomorrow's cheering will be purely the J2s. This is probably the first cheering that involves only the 31st, well, only a few, but yeah. I was not supposed to go, but Yi Ying couldn't make it, so I'm taking over her. The only sad thing is that I don't get to go for soccer this Thursday. Oh well, lessons are more important yep! 
After council, no more excuses, no more activities, time to focus on studies and just keep mugging. Ha, like as if I can even sit down for an hour studying. I've been staring at Integration: Area & Volume for 2 hours now, but honestly, I don't know what I'm even reading or doing. My mind's somewhere else, I'm sure.

Treasure the moment, cherish those around you.
I really will miss everyone, really.

I'm getting over you, really. I thought friendships lasted.
I don't know, maybe age gap? It's not easy always being the oldest in the group. Maybe you might say it's just a few months difference, but somehow, when I do something that isn't up to your standards, I always hear things like, "You're older and should be the most mature among us." "You're older than us, you should set yourself as an example."
I hate myself for having my birthday in February.

I've got to admit, I'm old.

I got so disturbed reading about comfort women. We can't be ignorant, we can't be indifferent.
If you don't know what comfort women are, you ought to google it or something. We can't afford to be apathetic, really.
The Japanese tricked women into becoming sex slaves and raped them repeatedly from day to night. It's so inhumane to treat women as toys, or worse than toys even. Youtube has a few documentaries which records the journey of these women.

That aside, even in our society today, rape cases are constantly being reported. Often, some rapists actually get away with it, because the victims are usually too traumatized to testify in court. I'm not really sure, but I remember reading it somewhere long time ago. Something really needs to be done to protect women.
Right now.

I've been going to the SC very frequently these few days. I think it can be a conducive environment to study in, if I have my ipod, that is. Somehow, the thought of stepping down has made me want to reminisce the past, though mostly not too good before November. 

Tomorrow's PL Symphony of Praise II. I remember the first Symphony of Praise (our batch!) was held at Singapore Conference Hall. This year, they get to perform at the Agape Concert Hall in PL. Gosh, I only remember having Kaleidoscope concert there. The other few times I stepped in there would probably be the sec 4 graduation ceremony and the Father's gift, which was fantastic. I hope tomorrow's concert won't disappoint me. I have really high hopes for it and am very excited! =D It's been a long time since I've last went back.

Okay I'm tired, but I have a lot of tutorials to complete. Someone save me.
( Let go, Let God.  )

PW exhibition was a failure, but nevertheless, it brought back quite some memories. I kind of liked doing the interviews and pilot testing. It was rather fun. I remember how Wen Qian helped our group to distribute the survey forms at AMK though he wasn't he in our group. See, 08S23 is full of caring people. =D

Was supposed to meet Eileen at 8 plus, so decided to finish my Math tutorial in school first, and there was PMT ongoing then as well. There were a few of them watching weird video clips and joined them a while. I realised that I really have age gap with them. They were laughing at sadistic things and things that I didn't find funny, heh. Maybe I really have no sense of humour? Nah, I'm sure I have. The 32nd are just amusing, seriously! =D After that headed back to books, then something kind of happened, but nothing major, just that it prevented me from meeting my friend. Decided to ask my dear parents if they could pick me up, heh.

It's not fair 31st didn't get to go for OCIP. Oh well. I want to donate blood this year. I think it's meaningful, though I must admit I am really afraid of needles! We all have to step out of our comfort zone, right!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVU4IkzMNIo&feature=PlayList&p=385A3BF72C0C8B95&index=5
And I really genuinely was touched by his voice. Felt so sad for him when Simon "criticised" him. Hope he makes it to the finals! 

Okay I had a long day, it's time to sleep.

SSS didn't turn up as expected. Everyone was probably disappointed, especially the 32nd heads who put in quite a bit of effort for this mini event. It's their first event and such a thing had to happen, oh well. Now I know why the exco is so confident of the 32nd. Even though I'm a little dissatisfied with the fact that I had to miss PL's SYF and had to sacrifice quite a substantial amount of time for this, good things came out of this too, and I guess I'm more or less =D now.

Had dinner with Ronald, Kelvin (or is it Kevin?), Chetwin and Jermaine, which was funny and enjoyable. I realised that I don't know any of the 30th at all, not even my OGL. I used to think age gap would probably be a reason, but I soon came to realise that it wasn't. I used to be close to my PL seniors, and I maintained a good relationship with my juniors. Up to now, I'm still in contact with most of them, which I hope will continue on! Oh well, I guess there were too many other things to consider as well.

Anyhow, something irritating happened today because of my tuition teacher. He spoiled my mood today and I actually rumbled about it to Yong Pin, cause he was there. I probably should have just kept it to myself since it's after all nothing to do with school. Anyway, my tutor actually wanted to call my parents and all to complain. I think he did. Thankfully I've got understanding parents, who don't blame me for these things. I remember a post previously, in which I said I would cherish my family more, and I really think through times like this, I feel even more for my family. Nothing beats kinship, really, even though sometimes things don't seem so well.

I wish I had an elder brother, or a younger sibling. Crap, the image of Chetwin trying to call me jiejie appeared in my head while I typed the previous sentence. It's impossible for me to have an elder brother or a younger sibling now, so probably there's no point even thinking about it. After all, I'm half way done with my life. 30 years old, come quickly.

I've been sleeping at lectures lately, and thoughts of skipping lessons keep filling my mind recently. I don't know why I'm feeling so tired lately, it's not like as if I've been mugging or anything.

Well, God's been rather good to me, at least. Not that I'm having an easy time now or anything, but for once in a very long time, I'm actually feeling rather settled. Wonder whether its good to be so relaxed when everyone's mugging, though.

In physics class, Miss huang and the guys mentioned Aaron, and honestly, I couldn't help smiling. It was then I recalled that Hannah, Elizabeth and I were talking about this whole celebrity thing, and they think I'm crazy and that I wasn't serious about what I said. To tell the truth, those were my honest answers, but I'm not sure whether my thinking will change later on. 

I'm a very shallow person, and I'm not afraid to say that most of my motivation to study comes from the aim to work in Taiwan. Since secondary school, I've been trying hard to read and write in Traditional Chinese and brush up my hokkien a little. I'm 80% accomplished in terms of reading and writing, but speech wise...
I will make it to Taiwan one day. That is, if my goals do not change.

Sports season is getting more interesting by the day! I'm kind of thankful to be in a sports class, being the minority who can't do sports, hahaha! I always feel very comforted when my class wants to go down to support a fellow classmate/classmates. Even though our class may seem to be a little hard hearted and sometimes crude, they're actually very humane on the inside. And I guess the class spirit really convinced me that they're actually kind in nature.
We all wish Team SAJC all the best! 

Oh, and PL One Voice got a gold award for SYF! =D Well done!
Still deciding whether or not to take ABRSM this year. Maybe not, since I'm skipping grades.